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Part 20
Whatever I was expecting when I woke up, it definitely wasn’t this.
The first sunrays are peeking through my musty, new curtains that are more or less blocking my view of the outside, giving everything this bluish-pinkish glowing hue. Now, it’s surprising enough to not be woken by the patter of rain against the window, not to mention actual sunshine, but that’s not even what I’m talking about.
It’s Alec.
He’s lying beside me. He’s in my bed. He’s still here.
He’s lying beside me, in my bed, on his stomach, facing me. He’s still asleep. And he has the most peaceful look on his face. He looks so…pure. And innocent. Like an angel almost.
Okay, so obviously Alec fucked my brains out last night…literally. I’ve clearly gone insane. Alec an angel? Yeah, right. In what alternative universe?
Then my eyes wander lower and I swallow.
He’s still naked.
And the sheets aren’t exactly covering a lot of him.
His butt for example, is mostly exposed. I have to fight the urge to crawl down and just bite it. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, bite somebody’s butt. Actually, I’m pretty damn sure that I’ve never done that before.
For a brief moment I wonder if he always sleeps in the buff, but I quickly push those thoughts away again. That is not what I should be thinking about right now, I mentally chastise myself.
I shift and suddenly realize something else. His arm is draped across my stomach. How the hell am I going to get up without waking him now?
I sigh.
I can’t believe he’s still here.
Why is he still here? I mean…why? Seriously.
I just…I don’t have any clue what to do. I’ve never had a morning after before, not with a guy I’d just slept with in any case. I snuck out while Sean was still asleep and so far Alec and I have never spent a whole night together either. What the fuck changed?
A nagging voice in the back of my mind tells me that I know damn well what changed, that I knew it even before last night, but I choose to ignore it. Denial is bliss, almost more so than ignorance.
Alec stirs and I hold my breath. He doesn’t open his eyes though and so I decide that it’s at least worth a shot.
Slowly I begin moving to the left, trying to slide my body out from underneath his arm. After about two seconds said arm clamps down on me, inhibiting any further movement on my part. Glancing at his face, I realize that Alec is awake…and smirking at me.
“Going somewhere, sweetheart?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “How long have you been awake?”
He grins cheekily at me. “A while.”
I just glare as I struggle to get up, taking the sheets with me as to cover up my naked form that was, up to now, as exposed as Alec’s. No need to feel even more naked – both literally and figuratively – than I already do.
Alec on the other hand doesn’t seem to mind that he’s buck naked. God damn it, he even roles onto his back. I swallow, trying hard to keep my gaze from wandering. I don’t quite succeed.
Have I mentioned that I have no idea how to deal with this kind of thing? It’s awkward and it’s making me feel unsure and vulnerable, a combination I just hate. Couldn’t he have just snuck out in the middle of the night like any other jerk looking to get laid?
I shift my weight to my other foot. His still staring at me and there’s this gleam in his eyes that I know all too well. I swallow.
“Um, are you hungry?” I ask out of lack of anything else to say. I need to get his mind off…me.
He smirks as his burning gaze latches onto my barely-covered body. “Oh yes.” His voice is husky and rough and I shiver. I fucking shiver. Can you believe that?
I glare at him, suddenly remembering that anger is the best remedy out there against awkwardness and pretty much any other feeling in the book.
“That’s not what I meant,” I bite out. “I wanted to know if you want something to eat?”
He just grins at me, the gleam in his eyes intensifying.
Uh-oh. I’m in trouble here.
---------
When I leave the house dark clouds have blocked the sun from my view once again. Surprise, surprise. Bad weather in Seattle - stop the presses.
The wind is picking up, chilling me down to my bones. I should have taken a jacket with me. It looks like it’s gonna rain. After last night one would think that I’ve learned not to underestimate the weather in this dump of a city. But alas, some people never learn. And I’m obviously one of them.
I’m trying my hardest to keep my thoughts off what just happened back at Joshua’s but it’s just fucking impossible. My cheeks burn with embarrassment and something else that I prefer to keep nameless.
It’s not lust and it’s not desire.
It’s not! I feel absolutely no urge to turn around, hunt down Alec and make him do all those glorious things he did all over again.
Remind me to never mention the words ‘hungry’ or ‘eating’ to Alec ever again, especially not so close together. He takes it all wrong, let me tell you.
I can’t believe what he did, what I let him do…wanted him to do. Fuck it, did I beg?
I’m pathetic. I’m a slut. Easy. God, and I don’t even regret it.
And that’s not even the biggest problem right now.
I’m letting him in.
I know it, as much as I’ve been trying to deny it. The last thing I should be doing, but I…I just can’t help it. No matter how often I tell myself that I don’t even like him, that all he does is to annoy me, that it’s just sex…damn good sex, mind you, but just sex all the same…it’s just not true. You only get so far with lying to yourself and I’ve reach the end of that road.
Oh hell. This is bad. This is so, so very bad.
He’s making me feel things.
He’s making me smile.
He’s breaking down my walls.
I actually like being around him.
Not that I’d ever show him any of those things, but for some freaky reason I think he knows it all the same. Don’t know how I know it, don’t really care. But he knows. I can feel it.
And all that…it just scares the shit out of me.
I can’t do this again…opening myself up to someone, maybe even falling for him. Then getting hurt, getting my heart broken again, my soul shattered.
I couldn’t take it.
I wouldn’t survive it a second time. Hell, I barely even survived the first time. To be exact, I’m not even sure if I did survive the first time. I’m not anywhere close to getting over that…or even starting.
So why did I ever get involved with Alec in the first place? Damn hormones. Damn lust. And damn him…if he weren’t so hot and gorgeous and drool-worthy none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn’t have had any reason to throw myself at him.
God…did I mention that I’m pathetic?
I can’t believe the direction I’m heading in…again. Don’t I ever learn? How could I be so fucking stupid?
I did the same thing with Max…he hurt me time and time again and I just kept letting him in again, taking him back, forgiving him. Didn’t that teach me anything?
Granted Alec hasn’t hurt me. Yet.
But that’s only a matter of time…and opportunities. I know what kind of guy he is. I know about his dating habits…if you can even call them that. I know about the way he treats women. M didn’t leave out any details. She was quite explicit, her message clear.
If you don’t want to have your heart broken, steer clear off Alec.
Nothing good could ever come from being with him, sleeping with him.
Falling for him.
I used to despise guys like him…players. Guys who’d do anything to get a girl into bed, not caring about her feelings, not caring that they were destroying a part of her soul by using her for their own selfish reasons. How the fuck did it happen that I started sleeping with one of them?
God only knows what Alec has been up to these past weeks. How many girls have there been besides me? How often did he sneak form my bed into one of theirs or the other way around?
The sick feeling in my stomach magnifies and I have to fight against the tears burning in my throat. How could I be so naïve? How could I not think about any of this earlier, realize how it would affect me? Again.
You can’t trust men. Can’t fall in love with them in any case, not if you want to hang on to your sanity. I of all people should know that.
Men are good for exactly one thing. Well, three actually – sex, carrying heavy stuff and killing spiders. You shouldn’t rely on them for anything else, least of all your emotional welfare. Just look where that got me the last time. Two years of absolute misery with just enough bright spots in between to keep me hanging on to something that was beyond hope from day one on.
I vowed I’d never let that happen again. That I’d never give someone so much power over me, over my happiness again. And yet, here I am, about to repeat the exact same mistake. Looks like I really never learn.
And with Alec of all people! That’s like an open invitation to having him trample all over my heart. How could I let this happen? How could I let this go so far without putting a stop to it earlier? Before I came so dangerously close to losing myself all over again?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Denial? False hope? Ignorance? All three together?
Oh, who cares? Whining about the past won’t change it. I can only look forward, try my best to correct the multitude of mistakes I’ve made.
And that means no more seeing Alec.
Definitely no more sleeping with Alec. If I don’t want to come out of this broken beyond repair, I need to stay away from him.
My resolve in place, I change the direction of where I was heading.
I have other things to worry about, other things that are more important than getting laid on a regular basis. I need to find Ava. It’s why I came here, isn’t it?
No more letting myself get sidetracked by emotional ties or carnal desires. No more getting involved in things that are none of my fucking business. I can’t keep letting myself get dragged into this stuff.
That was how it started in Roswell, right?
And I simply refuse to go down that road and through all that shit again. For once in my life I’m gonna think about myself and no one else. It’s high time.
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