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Part 26
I don’t know how it happens that my hand is suddenly free, couldn’t care less.
I jerk it up, press it against his chest, desperately trying to push him away from me. He reaches for my hand, angrily tries to yank it behind my back again. I struggle to twist it free again, manage just barely.
Then I feel the energy shooting into my forearm, feel my hand releasing it even before I realize what’s going on. He stares at me surprised for a fraction of a second before his eyes go blank, glassy. He slumps against me, falls to the ground, his eyes staring up at me…dead.
He’s dead. I killed him. Oh god, I killed him.
I stagger back, clamp my hand over my mouth.
No, no, no. This is can’t be real. It’s a bad dream…just a bad dream.
No.
Suddenly I’m wrapped in someone’s arms…strong, protective arms. It’s Alec. Oh god, it’s Alec. I just stand there. Want to cling to him, want to burry my head in his chest, but somehow I’m not capable of moving.
Am I crying? I’m not sure. How do you know that again?
Thank god he’s here.
He’s whispering into my ear, soothing words of comfort. I barely even hear them, can’t make out what he’s saying. I think it’s something about it being over, about everything being okay.
But I know…nothing’s okay. Nothing will ever be okay again. I killed someone. I’m a murderess.
I barely even register him pulling out his cell phone, calling someone, all the while keeping me pressed against him. Good. I’d probably fall down if I didn’t have him to lean on.
He mumbles something into the receiver. I can make out the words ‘situation’ and ‘Crash’…I think. I don’t even care. I just want to get out of here…I want to make this all go away, want to forget. I wish I could just make it go away. I wish I could…I don’t know. Go back in time and change it…something, anything.
Oh God. Why did this have to happen?
I’m dimly aware of someone else joining us. At least I think someone else is there. Not sure. I can’t seem to grasp what’s going on around me.
Then I’m lifted up, carried away. Now I do cling to Alec, pressing myself into his chest, wrapping my arms around him. He’s taking me away. Thank God, he’s taking me away.
The wind seems to pick up a bit but it doesn’t take us long to reach wherever we’re going. Or maybe it did. How much time passed? Minutes…or hours? I don’t know.
Don’t know, don’t care…I just want to escape from this nightmare. I wish I could just wake up at Joshua’s in my bed. I wish it were all just a bad dream.
I’m laid down on a bed and Alec pulls away from me. I whimper and he halts his movement. I don’t want to be alone right now. I want him to stay with me, to hold me, to just…be there. I want it so badly it hurts.
He seems to get the message. He lies down beside me, pulling me into his arms. It’s warm and safe. It feels like…home, I suddenly realize.
I begin to cry.
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I’m back in the shadows, slammed against the cold, rough brick wall. He’s pressed against me, holding me in place so firmly that I know he’s going to leave marks, dark bruises insulting my pale skin.
I’m scared…so fucking scared.
Can’t move…can’t do anything to defend myself. His lips are on mine and I feel bile rising up in my throat. Then his hands are on my body. He’s tearing away my blouse, groping at me roughly, violently. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts.
“Please,” I whimper. “Please…don’t do this. Please.”
But he doesn’t stop. I’m so scared. And, oh God, it hurts. It hurts…
“Liz…Liz, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. Come on, wake up. It’s a dream…just a dream. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
A strangled gasp escapes my throat as my eyes fly open. I’m breathing heavily, my whole body is trembling violently, almost shaking. I’m bathed in sweat. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am, to realize that I’m in Alec’s bed, in Alec’s arms.
A chill runs through my body, not only caused by the rapidly cooling dampness covering my skin.
“I’m okay.” My voice is little more than a rasped whisper. “I’m okay now. It was just a dream.”
I begin to turn away, too embarrassed to meet his eyes, but Alec gently cups my cheek, coaxing me to look at him. He studies me intently. “Are you sure?”
No, I’m not sure. But I swallow, force myself to nod. No need to drag him into this, right?
But damn it, a part of me wants to drag him into this so badly. I don’t want to be alone. Not in this. If I’m honest with myself, not in anything.
I look at him and I see the doubt in his eyes. Before I know what I’m doing my lips are pressed against his in a desperate kiss, my hands cupping his face, holding him in place. He kisses me back for a second, then pulls away with a harsh gasp.
“We…I can’t do this, Liz.” He doesn’t look at me, refuses to meet my gaze.
“Please,” I whisper, my voice breaking, and now he does look at me. And there’s so much emotion in his eyes. He’s tried so hard to keep them blank up to now, but now…his eyes are practically burning up. With compassion…with anguish, rage. It makes me want to cry even more.
“I…” Swallow hard. “I keep feeling his hands on me. It makes me sick. I need to make it go away…I need to forget.” Tears are forming in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall.
He hesitates for a second before leaning in to me. His lips brush against mine like a breath of air. His mouth closes over mine in the sweetest, most gentle of kisses. His fingers run up my arms, his touch so soft I barely even feel it, before one of his hands cups my cheek ever-so lightly.
Minutes pass before he deepens the kiss and even then it’s hesitant and almost shy, laced with an uncertainty I’ve never seen in him before, especially not when it comes to sex. I put all the need and want I have in me into the kiss, clinging to him, wrapping myself around him to show him that this is really what I want, what I need.
He takes his time undressing me, carefully removing each garment as if each and every one were too precious to ever risk damaging it in any way at all. He needn’t bother. My blouse is already torn and either way, I’m gonna burn all this stuff tomorrow.
But he does anyway, because he doesn’t want to remind me of Brian. Suddenly it’s hard to swallow past the lump in my throat.
He kisses every inch of skin he exposes. Warm hands set out to explore my body, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake, replacing horror with something pure and special. Every touch, every kiss is so tender, so caring, without a doubt meant to calm my frayed nerves, soothe my tattered soul. And it does.
He seems to have all the time in the world, touching and tasting every inch of my body, lips lingering over spots already turning an ugly shade of purple as if to kiss the hurt away, offering comfort and a kind of relief from the terror I’d felt mere hours ago, terror I’d relived only minutes ago.
And while a part of me craves urgency and passion and fire, I don’t do anything to indicate what I want. I can sense Alec’s need to soothe and heal and comfort just like I can sense that he’s holding his own desires back.
For me.
How could I possibly deny him what he needs so badly?
Tears shoot into my eyes as he slips inside me, but this time it has nothing to do with what happened earlier tonight and everything with what I feel for Alec.
I love him.
I don’t know how it could happen, when, why…but it did. I’m in love with him. I love him so much it’s hard to breathe at times.
And it hurts.
It hurts because he isn’t mine, because he belongs to someone else. And it hurts even more because despite all that, he’s here with me now when I need him most and that only shows me how badly I want all this to be mine…and no one else’s. He’s taking care of me, protecting me…loving me?
A lone tear slips down my cheek.
How could he love me? He’s with Max. But every look, every touch, every kiss tells me the opposite. How could someone be so caring, so loving, without actually caring, without loving? It can’t all be guilt, can’t all be obligation…can it?
Fiery lust begins to build up within me and so I let those thoughts drift away. If he really loves Max, this is the last time we’re going to be together like this, and despite everything, I want to…need to…enjoy it for everything that it’s worth.
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