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Part 27
Disclaimer: Some of the lines from the Alec/Max/Liz conversation were taken from the DA episode Love Among the Runes. Not mine, just borrowing them.
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I don’t know how long I slept but light is filtering in through the window so it must be day already. I’m disorientated and tired and…alone, I realize.
I try to ignore the pang that shoots through my heart upon realizing that Alec left me alone, try to hold back the tears at the thought of what had happened last night outside of Crash. I succeed at neither of the two.
I killed someone. I murdered someone. True, it was in self-defense, but hell, there are other ways to defend yourself outside of fucking homicide. That’s no excuse…no excuse at all.
Maybe I didn’t mean too, but they are my powers, my responsibility. I should have learned to control them by now. But I was so preoccupied, so caught up in all these other things that I neglected them.
So that one’s on me. It’s my fault. It’s my fault that he’s dead.
Suddenly I notice that Alec’s standing in the doorway. I struggle to sit up, wipe at my cheeks. I must look like hell, I realize, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Right, because looking pretty is my top priority right now. What is wrong with me?
“You’re awake,” he says. His voice is even, with just a hint of ice. I study him for a minute. He’s stance is rigid, his facial expression stony and strangely…blank.
But his eyes…his eyes give him away. He looks torn up right down to the core. But at the same time…I don’t know, I can’t really put my finger on it. It’s like there’s this underlying anger in everything about him…his stance, his voice, the look on his face.
“Um…yeah,” is all I say. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? And speaking of which, that’s sort of…strange, coming from Alec. He’s normally not one to state the obvious.
I don’t look at him, too scared that I’ll jump up and rush over to him and do something incredibly stupid if I do. I know that last night I was convinced that I loved him, but I’m so fucking mad at him…how could I love him through all that anger?
But at the same time I’m so very, very grateful that he was there last night…I just don’t know what I’m feeling anymore.
Out of the corner of my eyes I see him taking a step back. “I have to get to work,” he tells me and the room temperature seems to drop a few degrees at his tone. “Stay as long as you like.” Then he turns around and leaves.
I hear the door opening, hear it being slammed shut again with so much force that the windows in the bedroom rattle. He’s gone. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed but either way, he’s gone…or not. Suddenly he’s back in the bedroom and boy, does he look mad.
“You know what, I’m not gonna go to work. We’re going to talk this out now. Not like you can run out on me this time,” he says giving me a pointed look to emphasize my state of undressed. I look down at my body, surprised that I’m actually wearing something.
Wait a minute…this is one of his shirts. It’s big and soft and it smells like Alec. Why am I wearing one of his shirts? And why does it send this strange, tingly feeling over my whole body and this ache straight into my heart?
“I’m sick and tired of being treated like your personal yoyo. One minute you want me, the next you avoid me like the fucking plague. Make up your mind. It’s either one or the other, you can’t have both.”
I just stare at him for a minute, too shocked to respond. Then a mixture of righteous indignation and anger takes over my mind and I jump up, more than willing to face him.
“How dare you turn this around on me?! God, did you really think I wouldn’t find out?! That nobody would ever mention it to me? Well, tough luck! Logan told me. How stupid do you think I am? Did you really think you could keep that a secret from me, from both of us?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?!” he exclaims, seemingly losing all patience. And it angers me, that he actually has the audacity to fake indignation, surprise, confusion.
“Don’t play stupid,” I hiss, simply because that’s the only way he won’t notice the tremor in my voice or the tears clogging up my throat. “I know about you and Max. I know that you’ve been together since even before I came to Seattle. Max told Logan, Logan told me.
“God, I can’t believe you! How arrogant do you have to be to do something like that? How fucking stupid do you think we all are?!” I glare at him for a moment, so angry, so hurt. Then I turn around, no longer able to hold back the tears. I’d rather die before letting him see me crying over him. I find my jeans, yank them on, discretely wipe at the tears on my cheeks.
It takes a full minute for him to reply. “What?!” And he sounds so surprised, so shocked. I almost believe him.
But since I don’t, I get even madder, the anger burning away my tears. I whirl around “Oh, save it! You’re proven your abilities as an outstanding actor often enough. And guess what, I’m sick of it! I’m sick and tired of listening to your lies, of having you make a fool out of me. I’ve had enough people lying to me and cheating on me, I don’t need to add you to the fucking list!”
He stares at me. “That’s what this is all about? You think I was two-timing you?” He pauses for a short moment, suddenly looking almost more disappointed than upset. “You really believe that? You believe that I would have slept with you, started anything at all with you if I’d have been in a serious, committed relationship?” He sounds…hurt? No, that can’t be. Whatever he is, he isn’t hurt. Why should he be? He’s lying. I mean, he has to be lying. There is no other explanation. There isn’t.
“You’re denying it?!” I’m beyond exasperated and he suddenly looks beyond upset, like he has to hold back from screaming. He is lying…right? He has to be. Because if not, he’s…he might be…I can’t even finish the thought. It’s too terrifying to put into words.
“That’s it,” he mutters while yanking his cell phone out of his pocked. He punches in a number and waits for someone to pick up, never once looking at me.
“My apartment, now,” is all he says…or rather growls, his barely suppressed anger more than evident in his voice. “You have ten minutes and then you’d damn well better be here.”
Then he leaves the room and a second later I hear a loud banging noise. Did he just kick something? Punch something? Throw something? Jeez…either he deserves a fucking Oscar for that performance or…or it’s real.
I sink down onto the bed and try to gather my thoughts. I’m…confused. I mean, what the hell just happened here? Whatever I had expected upon confronting Alec with my knowledge about him and M, him flat-out denying it so vehemently and for so long was not one of the possibilities that had gone through my mind.
I had expected him to be surprised that I actually knew, to try to talk his way out of it, to deny it at first. Or maybe to shrug it off in a “too bad there’ll be no more screwing between us” kind of way.
But to keep denying it, to becoming so upset over the whole thing, that’s just…weird. Not to mention plain stupid. Easy enough for me to get solid proof that it’s the truth…unless, of course, it isn’t.
Wait a minute, am I seriously considering that possibility? I know that Logan wasn’t lying. He’s not that good an actor…just look at the way he fumbled around after I told him that I knew that he was Eyes Only. The hurt and the sadness and the pain were real.
Besides, why would he do that? It’s not like he knows about me and Alec, and M and I don’t get along either way, so what would be the point? No motivation means he’s eliminated as a suspect.
That only leaves M. But why would she lie to Logan about something like that?
Then I realize something and it feels like a punch to the gut.
I lied to my Max – okay, that sounds so wrong, calling him that, but anyway – I lied to him about something similar. Hell, I lied about practically the exact same thing. I even went as far as setting up a scene so that he would have some physical proof.
I’m suddenly glad that I’m already sitting.
Could that explain it? Did she lie to Logan to protect him? There’s the virus standing between them, a constant danger to him. Did she tell him that she was with someone else so that he would keep his distance, so that he would be safe?
This sounds way too familiar for my liking but hell, it sure does explain a lot. Every piece of the puzzle suddenly seems to fall into place.
Relief floods through my body but at the same time, there’s a strange sense of apprehension and fear accompanying it. Feelings that have very little to do with M and very much to do with what Alec’s true intentions might be. My mouth runs dry and I have to swallow, hard.
Then I hear the apartment door being opened. Relieved to have something to distract me, I make my way out of the bedroom.
“This better be good,” M snarls. Why doesn’t it surprise me that it’s her? “If you think you can just order me around like some fucking servant then I obviously haven’t kicked your ass often enough.”
Alec just glares at her and boy, does he look scary. M doesn’t seem impressed though, she glares right back at him.
“Why the hell did you tell Logan that we’re together?” Alec’s voice is…dangerous. That’s the only word I can think of that even comes close to doing his tone justice. It’s hard like steel, cold as ice and at the same time you can practically feel the rage scorching through it.
That’s when M sees me. Her eyes widen in surprise. “What are you…” she begins but then trails off. She takes in my appearance, eyes widening even more. Obviously, she knew nothing about Alec and me. And we weren’t even trying to keep it a secret.
I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under her gaze.
She glances back at Alec. From the look in her eyes, she understands exactly why Alec is so upset.
“I didn’t exactly tell him that about…us. He just assumed it and…and I didn’t correct him.”
“Oh, well then.” Alec exclaims with mock-understanding, all but slapping his forehead. “That makes it all better!”
“What was I supposed to do? I had to tell him something,” M replies getting defensive.
“Why’d you have to drag me into it?!” Alec asks half exasperated, half dismayed and definitely still angry.
“I had to push him away. This virus thing isn’t going anywhere and I just can’t afford any more accidents.”
Alec’s eyes narrow ever so slightly. “Yeah, so blame Alec, cause he’s just the kind of jerk that’d steal another guy’s girl.”
“That’s not the way it was, okay? Logan saw you leaving my apartment the morning after the thing with Ben and he got the wrong idea. I just…I couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. He had to let go and that was the only way I could come up with.”
“He hasn’t,” I say, causing both Alec and M to turn to me. They look surprised, almost as if they’d forgotten that I was there.
I’m surprised myself because I sure as hell didn’t have any intention at all to say anything right now. I’m careful to avoid Alec’s gaze, concentrating on M instead.
“Let go, I mean. You haven’t pushed him away. I’m not sure what could. You only made him miserable.” I try hard to keep the accusation out of my tone but it’s not easy. I wait a beat. “You should tell him. He’s gonna find out sooner or later and it would be better if he heard it from you.”
M’s eyes narrow. “A very polite way of saying that either I tell him or you will. Guess what, I don’t take too kindly to threats or blackmail.”
This time, I’m the one who isn’t impressed. Bitchiness just bounces right off me. I’m Teflon and all that shit. Hmm, does stuff actually bounce off Teflon? Mentally shake my head. Whatever.
“I’m not going to tell him. I think he has the right to know the truth, but it’s not my place to decide that. But if he asks me, I’m not gonna lie for you.”
M gives me a long hard look. Then she shrugs. “Fair enough.” She appears nonchalant enough, but I can see that I got her thinking. Good enough for me. At least for now.
Then she leaves and Alec and I just stand there staring at each other.
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