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Part 28
I don’t know what to say. I mean, I know I should say something, like maybe apologize for not believing him. But the words are just, like…stuck in my throat.
“Do you believe me now?” he asks. His voice is still cool and…tired somehow. Weary.
I nod, look away. “Yeah,” I whisper.
“Is that all you’re gonna say?” There’s the temper again. He’s upset and I guess I can hardly blame him. I’d be too if I were him.
I raise my head, suddenly feeling a bit like sulking child. “What do you want me to say?”
Stupid question. I know exactly what he wants to hear. An apology for starters.
“I don’t know! Something. Anything.” He pauses for a moment, looks at me. There’s so much disappointment in his eyes, I almost wince. “I can’t believe you believed it.”
And all of a sudden, I can’t either. I can’t believe I believed it when it suddenly seems so obvious that it could have never been true. But it wasn’t obvious then. And, a part of me whispers, it shouldn’t be obvious now either.
My temper comes back to me because it seems to be the only thing I have left to guard my heart, my soul, all other things having failed.
“What do you expect from me?!” I demand, raising my voice. “Everything I’ve ever heard about you told me that that was exactly the kind of thing you would do. You don’t exactly have a stellar history when it comes to the way you treat the opposite sex. Besides, it’s not like you put up a big fight before falling into bed with me.”
“That was different.” The way he says it, the way he looks at me while saying it…there’s this utter conviction in his tone, so pure and true and I want so badly to believe him.
“And maybe you should have considered not taking everything that Max says at face value,” he goes on.
Okay, wait a minute. “Are you saying that she was lying?”
He just keeps looking straight at me. “I’m saying that things change. I’m saying that she doesn’t know half of what she’s talking about.”
I look at him and he looks at me, our gazes locking, and I just ache. I want to believe him, but there’s this part of me that just won’t let me, this part where doubt and mistrust and fear linger, simply refusing to back off.
“There hasn’t been anybody else. Ever since the day we met, there was only you. Even before that there wasn’t anybody for quite some time.”
His eyes, his voice…it’s suddenly all softer. The coldness and disappointment begin to ebb away, replaced by something warmer, something almost tender.
And his words…they terrify me. Because a part of me actually believes him, and hopes, and dreams. Dreams about things that I know could never come true. I know that love isn’t all fairytales and castles. It hurts and damages and it can turn into something dark and ugly and horrible.
And even if it doesn’t, it never lasts. Love was never meant for eternity. People just seem to cling to that illusion because it’s all they have. But truth is, it burns out at one point or another and always leaves somebody behind to hurt and suffer and slowly die inside.
I was that somebody once. I can’t be that somebody ever again.
Memories of Max and Tess kissing at prom, holding hands at school, leaving the planet together surface in my mind.
I couldn’t stand having something like that happening again. The mere thought of Alec being with someone else, loving someone else, kills me. And we haven’t even reached the point of a commitment, of a real emotional investment yet. How much more would it hurt if we crossed that line and then he left me?
I suddenly realize that I have yet to say something in return and that all this while, Alec has been staring at me intently. He takes a step towards me and I have to fight the urge to take one back.
“What are you so afraid of?” he suddenly asks me, taking me by surprise.
I just stare at him. Open my mouth, close it again. I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t tell him that I’m just scared. Of everything. Of him, of what his true intentions might be, of my own feelings.
More than anything of my own feelings.
He takes a step back again. Then he sighs, sinking down onto the couch. He runs a hand through his hair, studies the floor for a moment. Then he looks up at me.
“When we met in Terminal City last week and you told me that you’d opened your eyes and saw what was there instead of what you wanted to see and that you didn’t like it, I thought you were referring to my state of being…genetically enhanced so to say.”
My eyes widen. “What? No! That never mattered to me. I don’t care, honestly, I don’t. I…” Trail off, because I know he believes me. I can see it in his eyes. Strange, how I never realized how much his eyes give away. It’s like I had blinders on.
He studies me for a moment. “Yeah. I get that now. But at that time…” He trails off, looks away. Then he looks at me, and that look is back in his eyes. That look of utter conviction that makes it so hard to doubt his words even for a second.
“It hurt. I guess that was the moment when I realized how much I actually cared about you. How badly I’d fallen for you.”
I freeze before my whole body begins to tremble. I have to swallow, have to turn away.
Oh God. Why is he doing this? Why is he saying this? My knees are turning to jelly but I refuse to sit down. I need to…I have to…God. I can’t even think straight. I’m so scared…I’m so happy. This is terrifying right down to the bone.
I suddenly feel Alec’s presence behind me and whirl around.
He’s standing there, just out of reach. I’d only have to lift my hand. I’d only have to take one tiny step towards him. And yet I don’t move. I want to, but I just…can’t.
“Why won’t you give us a chance?” he asks me. “What are you so afraid of?”
I avert my gaze as if scared that he could read the answers to those questions in my eyes.
“I’d never hurt you,” he tells me after a moment of silence. It’s like he’s reading my mind.
Now I do look at him, and something in his gaze tells me that my eyes are practically overflowing with emotions, no matter how hard I try to hide them.
“You can’t promise me that,” I tell him, and I’m surprised by how close to tears my voice sounds.
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “No, I guess I can’t. But I can promise you that I’d try. I’ve never felt the way I feel about you before. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. It just feels so…right. You know it does. I know you feel it too. We could be so good together. Why don’t you see that?”
He’s so convinced, so sure of what he’s saying. A part of me just melts at his words, but another part tightens up, doubts, questions.
God, when did I become so suspicious, so mistrusting? So cold?
It feels so wrong to be like this. To be so closed-off, so scared. It’s like I’m frozen, like I’m no longer living but merely existing, going through the motions and pretending to live.
I want to feel again.
Something outside of fear and suspicion and hurt. But I don’t know how. It’s like I forgot how that works, how you do that. And I’m scared of it. No matter how much I hate it, I’m scared to death of feeling again. And that fear is crippling.
Alec’s standing there, patiently waiting for some kind of response, some kind of answer.
But I can’t give him any. I don’t know the answer. I wish I could just give in to the part that wants to trust him and love him and be with him. But the other part is holding me back. The hurt, suspicious dark part inside of me. The part, I suddenly realize, that seems to be taking up more and more of my soul the more time passes.
One more thought that terrifies me right down to the bone, even more than Alec and his feelings and my feelings for him.
How do I know if I can ever reverse that? How do I know if I can ever go back to just feeling, without constantly being afraid of the consequences, without constantly doubting my heart?
I used to be so sure of it. I used to trust it completely. I followed it, just like Grandma Claudia had told me to do. How could that change so much? How could I let Max change that, change me so profoundly and in such a bad way?
I look at Alec. His eyes are practically pleading with me, begging me to give him a chance. And I want to but…
“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper. “I…” I stop. Talking about this is harder than I thought it would be. I need… “Time. I need time. I need to…I have to think this over. Deal with it on my own. I…I’m sorry.” And I leave.
Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43
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