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Part 29
I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I don’t like it. Hell, I don’t even like the fact that I am here in the first place, even less that I can’t seem to bring myself to leave.
I mean, it’s pathetic, right? To wait for someone in front of their apartment for hours? Pathetic and desperate. And the longer I wait, the stupider I feel.
Oh Jesus. What have I gotten myself into? Besides the obvious, which would be trouble.
I’m terrified by this force Alec has somehow managed to put over me, by this pull that I just can’t fight. Looking back, it seems ridiculous that I even tried.
The way I feel, the way this whole situation is spinning out of control…it reminds me too much of the way I felt about Max when the thing with us started. I feel like I’m falling without knowing whether there’s a net down there to catch me or not.
Not that what’s happening between Alec and I can in any way, shape or form be compared to Max and I back then. But this feeling of losing control over my life and my heart and my soul is the same. I guess that just goes along with…you know. Feelings.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.
I was more disappointed than I should have been upon discovering that Alec wasn’t home. Another feeling I don’t like. I shouldn’t have cared, not as much as I did. It makes me feel weak and impotent, emphasizing how much control I really lost over myself.
Knowing it is bad enough, I don’t need constant reminders.
But what really unnerves me is the fact that I didn’t leave again…that I can’t. I mean, that’s the normal reaction, right? You go to someone’s apartment, said person isn’t home, you leave again.
Normal.
Waiting around for hours for the person to come home is not normal. It’s…desperate. Obsessive. Pathetic. And the worst part is, I don’t even care.
Now I’ve been sitting here for God-knows how long, leaning against Alec’s apartment door, studying the door of his across-the-hall neighbor. It needs a new paint job. Badly. The paint is faded, cracked and peeling off at more places than I can count. Besides, it’s ugly.
And still no sign of Alec.
It’s getting later and later and I can’t help but wonder where he is. As if on cue, doubt and uncertainty wrap themselves around my heart, my mind, my soul. Normally people come home at some point of the night. If he’s not here, in his bed…in whose bed is he?
I hate myself for thinking like that.
Not even because it’s petty and stupid and jealous. I mean, that too. But what really bothers me…since when do I doubt my own appeal to the point where I actually expect a guy to cheat on me? That’s not normal. It’s sick.
Max’s words from what seems so long ago suddenly wisp through my mind. What’s so great about normal?
“Everything, Max,” I whisper. “Everything.”
I hate him for what he’s done to me. Not even so much what he actually did, even though God knows that that’s reason enough to hate a person, but the effect it had on me. How much he changed me. I loved him so much and he paid me back by hurting me over and over again, by almost destroying me.
Not that I didn’t play my part in the whole thing. Not that I don’t have my share of blame to carry. But I sure as hell didn’t do anything to make him treat me the way he did after Alex died. I didn’t push him into bed with Tess, didn’t force him to create a child with her.
In the end, he alone is responsible for his actions. The people around you may influence your decisions, but they don’t make them for you. I’m sick of feeling guilty for it. I’m sick of feeling responsible for everything bad that has happened in the past ten months. After all, changing the future wasn’t my idea.
Yeah, right. Nice excuse, Parker.
Not like you even once tried to convince Future Max that his plan was full of shit from beginning to end. Not like you even once dared to question how he knew that this insane idea of making Max fall out of love with you could ever save the world or how he knew that Tess staying would make a big enough difference, how he knew that she would stay in the first place.
You just took all that as hard facts, never questioning it, never doubting it and followed him around like a mindless lemming.
Nice job, really. Where was your oh-so great, scientific brain then?
I sigh. Like this makes any kind of difference now. It happened. It’s in the past. Pointing the blame won’t change what we did or what it led to. We couldn’t have anticipated the outcome, but that doesn’t take away our responsibility for it, does it?
I push those thoughts away, just like I push away the doubts and fears concerning Alec’s whereabouts that are still nagging at my heart. I’m sick and tired of having my past control my every waking moment.
That’s why I’m here, right?
To move forward. To let go of what happened back then and focus on what’s happening right now instead. If you live in the past, you’re missing out on the present. Which is pretty stupid, considering a certain drop-dead gorgeous transgenic that’s taking up quite a big part of said present at the moment.
God, did I really just think that?
As if on cue I hear the shuffling of feet at the end of the corridor and I get up, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious and stupid for being here.
It’s Alec.
I know it even before I can see him, before I can make out his exact features in the dim light of the hallway. A tingle runs down my spine, my heartbeat picks up and I forget all about feeling embarrassed and silly.
Then he glances up, his eyes meeting mine, and a bolt of electricity shoots through my body. I have to swallow, have to clench my hands to fists to keep them from trembling.
Why did Alec’s presence never have this kind of effect on me before? Did I just not allow it? Did I ignore it? Was I really that good at denying my attraction to Alec? Wow. That’s…scary.
He stares at me for a second as if having to check twice before believing that I’m really there. It’s sort of cute and almost takes away my nervousness. Almost.
“Liz.” He sounds even more surprised than he looks. “What are you doing here?”
“Um.” Good question. What am I doing here?
I missed him. But I can’t tell him that. Not yet. I’m not ready for that, not ready for all the things saying that would imply.
Baby steps. That’s what I decided on, remember? Baby steps.
“I was in the area,” I say without thinking. A second later I want to slap myself. What kind of stupid answer is that? I was in the area? Seriously. Could I have come up with anything even more ridiculous?
Alec stares at me with a slightly dazed look on his face, then he shakes himself out of it. He moves to the door, unlocks it.
“You wanna come in?” he asks me, his voice amazingly neutral. He sounds nonchalant, but I notice those little things that give him away. The restlessness in his eyes, the way he scratches the back of his head for a quick moment, the fact that he actually fumbles with the keys before he manages to open the door after I nod.
Amazing, how well I’ve come to know him. Even more amazing that I didn’t even realize it.
“You want something to drink?” he asks me once I close the apartment door behind me, keeping up the pretence of normalcy for a moment longer. I’m grateful for that. I need it, need a minute to get my hormones under control and act normal.
I shake my head in response to his question. He goes to the fridge anyway, grabs a bottle of beer, opens it, but he doesn’t take a sip. Instead he turns around and just looks at me, waiting for me to say something, mindlessly peeling at the label of the bottle in his hands.
Another thing that gives him away. He’s nervous.
If I weren’t so nervous – no, make that downright scared – I might think it’s endearing.
I look at him for a moment, then I avert my gaze, turning away slightly, taking a deep breath.
I need to get a grip on myself for God’s sake. I’m so nervous that I’m shaking. There’s a flock of butterflies in my stomach that has quite clearly gone stark mad. My heart is beating so furiously that I’m sure he can hear it. For the millionth time since I met him I curse his enhanced senses.
But the worst part is that I’m not even nervous because of the reason that I’m here.
It’s his mere presence.
He just has to stand there, look at me and it’s enough to send my whole body on overload, my mind to the brink of insanity. If coherent thoughts aren’t possible, how the hell am I supposed to form coherent sentences?
I take a deep breath. Okay. How to begin?
I tried to figure that out on my way here, but it just drove me crazy so I decided that spontaneity was the way to go.
Bad idea, as I now realize. I have no idea what to say, don’t even know what or how much I want to tell him.
But then a minute later, the words just come to me. “When I was sixteen, I fell in love. I thought he was my soulmate. I thought that we would last forever. I thought that nothing could ever really come between us.
“But there were so many things…so many reasons that kept us apart. When we finally got together, someone from his past came to town. We didn’t even last a month. But no matter what happened, I always thought that we would make it. That, in the end, love would win. It was exhausting, even suffocating at times, but I thought that it was worth it…that he was worth it.
“Then my best friend died and he turned his back on me. We had an ugly fight and he turned to her. He slept with her, got her pregnant and ended up leaving town with her. That was the day before I came to Seattle. Not even a week before we met.”
I’m staring at the floor without seeing it, not daring to look up, not daring to look at Alec. Then he moves towards me, his hand gently lifting my chin.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and I finally look at him. There’s so much sympathy in his eyes, compassion, as well as a hint of outrage. And pain. I try a shaky smile, but it’s gone even faster than it came.
“It scares me,” I finally say, surprising Alec, surprising myself. How did I manage not to choke on those words? “This whole…thing…between us. I’m scared of getting hurt again. Scared that I won’t be able to recover a second time.”
I feel vulnerable to an extend that I would prefer walking naked through my high school any day, but I force myself to look at him, to not hide my eyes and therefore my emotions like I normally do.
I’m surprised to see understanding in Alec’s eyes. “I know,” he tells me. “It scares me too.”
Then he kisses my forehead and pulls me into his arms. He just holds me and I sigh and burry my head in his chest. This feels too good to resist. It feels so right. Like I’ve finally come home.
“Stay the night,” he whispers into my hair. “It’s late. I don’t want you out on the streets at this time of night.”
I hesitate for a moment before I nod. Besides the fact that I’m tired and definitely not looking forward to walking all those miles back to Joshua’s, I want to stay here. I missed Alec. I missed his smell and the way that he touches me, the way I can curl into him when I’m on the brink of falling asleep.
And most of all, I missed the way I feel when I’m around him.
Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43
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