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Part 32
I’m staring at the light bulb. I just can’t look away. Did it really just glow? While I was holding it? How the fuck is that even possible?
Great, just great. First I sparkle, now this – I’m a power socket on legs. Just what I needed. Another thing to freak out over.
“Liz?” I jerk my head up, stare at Alec instead of the stupid light bulb.
Right. Alec is here. Like this wouldn’t be bad enough as it is, Alec had to witness it. Go figure.
“So, wanna explain what just happened here?” His tone suggests that this is no big deal, but his eyes tell a different story.
“I don’t know,” I whisper, and it’s not even a lie. Nothing like this has ever happened before. This isn’t exactly the first time I’ve had a light bulb in my hand and never once did one start glowing, even after I started developing my powers. “It just…started glowing all of a sudden.”
“Yeah, I kind of saw that.” Look who we have here, Mr. Sarcastic. “What I’d like to know is how that’s possible.”
I don’t say anything. I mean, I have a pretty good idea how it’s possible. What I don’t know is what I should tell Alec. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about honesty and openness. But this…this is something I haven’t decided on.
Alec takes a step towards me, bends down and picks up the light bulb. “Here,” he says, holding it out to me.
I shake my head silently. Is he crazy? I’m not touching that thing again.
“You wanna know what happened here, you’ll have to try again. You know, see if it was a one-time freak-out or if it’s permanent.” He’s watching me carefully and there’s something in his eyes that could almost be mistrust.
I reach for the bulb, hesitate, then I just take it. Nothing happens. I glance up at Alec, our eyes meet and suddenly the stupid thing starts glowing again. My first reflex is to drop it, but Alec closes his hand over mine, preventing that from happening.
The moment our skin comes in contact a tingle shoots through my body and the brightness of the light practically explodes before the light bulb blows through with a loud pop.
Okay, is he crazy? Did he seriously just touch me while I was making something glow that’s not supposed to glow without electricity? What will he do next, stick his fingers into a power socket?
“You don’t really hang on to your life, do you?” I ask him exasperatedly.
He shrugs it off, his gaze never leaving my face. “What’s really going on here?” he asks. There’s something in his tone…he sounds so damn serious and…distant almost.
I can’t tear my gaze away from him. I just look at him, but I just can’t get myself to answer. I don’t want to lie to him, I really don’t, but the truth doesn’t seem like an option either from where I’m standing.
Our gazes remain locked for seconds, minutes maybe. Then he takes a step back, his gaze hardening, closing himself off. “Fine Liz. Keep your secrets if it makes you happy.” Then he turns around and leaves.
It takes me exactly two seconds to react. I run after him, catch him just before he reaches the door. Jumping in front of him I hold my hands up, to stop him or to signal my defeat, I’m not quite sure.
“Wait,” I pant. He looks at me and I guess there’s something in my gaze that makes his soften a bit, just a tiny bit. Then I close my eyes, sigh in defeat.
“God Alec, I don’t know what’s right here, okay? I mean, this isn’t just about me. Other people are involved, people who have been involved far longer than I have. People who are my friends, who I care about. I once made a promise to protect their secret, to tell nobody about it, no matter what. And I’ve already broken that promise twice.”
I hesitate, step away because I just need to put some distance between me and…everything. I stare at the wall for a minute before making up my mind to be honest about at least one thing. “The last person I told died because of this whole thing. It cost him his life. And I was the person to tell him, to pull him into this whole mess. I just, I…”
Then Alec is suddenly in front of me and he pulls me into his arms. “Shh, it’s okay,” he whispers. And then he just holds me. I don’t even realize that tears are streaming down my face until he wipes them away.
I sniff, wipe at my cheeks, slightly embarrassed that Alec saw me crying…again. Then I sink down onto one of the sofas, suddenly feeling very tired. “I just…I don’t want to drag you into this too. I couldn’t stand-” I break off, not even capable of saying it.
He crouches down in front of me, lifts me chin ever-so gently so that he can look into my eyes. “Liz, whether you tell me or not, I’m going to be a part of this either way if we want to make this work.”
Then he hesitates, eyes becoming indecisive, looking away. “What?” I ask him.
He looks up at me, then sits down beside me with a harsh sigh. “There’s something I haven’t told you yet…about my past.” He pauses for a moment, but he doesn’t look at me, just stares at his hands.
“When I was still at Manticore, I was sent on my first deep-cover mission. I was nineteen, twenty, something like that. Mission objective was close surveillance of the CEO of one of Manticore's subcontractors who’d been asking too many questions he shouldn’t have been asking. I posed as his daughter’s piano teacher. Her name was Rachel. She was seventeen.”
There’s something in his tone…something that tells me that this is bad, and that he’s far from getting over it, whatever it is.
“For weeks I did everything I could to win her trust as well as her father’s. And behind their backs, I snuck around their house, spied on them, stole data, gathering all the information I could. Everything went exactly as planned, except for one small detail.”
He pauses, swallows hard. “I cared. For Rachel, I mean. I cared more than I should have and I didn’t even know it.”
I just stare at him while he’s still staring at his stupid hands. Did he really just say that? That he cared for another woman? Because his tone leaves no room for doubt what exactly he means with ‘cared’.
I can’t believe this. I can’t believe the off-handed fashion he’s mentioning this in. Okay, so maybe it’s stupid to be jealous of her since this happened years ago and it’s obviously in the past, but I can’t help it. The way Alec always talked about us…he made it sound like I was the only one. And finding out that that’s not true hurts.
I mean, I’ve always known that he’s probably had dozens if not hundreds of women in his bed, but it never mattered to me because by the time it might have, I was convinced that I was the only one who’d ever been in his heart. Looks like I was wrong. And that stings.
I swallow, trying to keep my voice neutral but failing miserably. “What…what happened?”
“She died,” he tells me, voice flat and distant. I suddenly feel horrible for my spout of jealousy, especially since it’s still there. But I just can’t help myself.
“Manticore didn’t like the information I’d gathered and so I was ordered to terminate the target,” he goes on. “Car bomb. Both Rachel and her father were supposed to be in the car. They wanted to send out a warning to everyone doing business with them.” Alec practically spits the words out. He’s never sounded bitterer than now.
“So I-” He swallows hard before continuing. “I built the car bomb, planted it. But I…I couldn’t do it. He was already in the car and so I ran into the house and caught Rachel before she joined him. And I…I told her everything. I told her that I was there to kill them, that she was my job.
“She…she ran out to him, trying to save him, and the bomb exploded. Manticore had sent a second team to go through with the plan in case I couldn’t. They pulled the trigger. He survived. She saved his life but it cost her hers. She ended up in a coma for two years. She died this January.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. And I am. I truly am. Jealous or not, I feel utterly devastated that he had to go through something so horrible.
“She died because of me,” he goes on. He sounds guilty, just like I probably do when talking about Alex, I realize. “Because I did what I was ordered to do instead of what I should have known to be right. I didn’t understand…I didn’t understand how much I cared for her and that cost her her life. I cost her her life.”
I shake my head. “No Alec, no. That was Manticore. It’s not your fault. You were brainwashed all your life to follow orders, to not go against authority. You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
“Like you don’t blame yourself for your friend’s death?”
I don’t answer. Touché.
“When I was back at Manticore, they threw me into solitary. And they made me forget…about everything. The mission, Rachel…my feelings for her. I only started remembering it all a few months ago when I delivered a package to their house.”
He’s silent for a few minutes. “What happened…it’s given me some bad moments. After we met, I mean.” And before, I bet. I know Alec. The guilt must have killed him, must still be killing him.
“I was terrified that history would repeat itself,” he goes on, finally looking at me. “That if I kept seeing you and dragged you into this whole thing, your life would be in danger as well.”
“So why did you? Keep seeing me, I mean?” Because as hurt as I would have been if he’d cut me off, I completely understand where he’s coming from.
“Because I realized that you were a part of this no matter what I did. Because I realized that it wasn’t my choice to make. You knew what you were getting yourself into and if you chose to do so, who was I to override your decision? Besides, I don’t think I could have stayed away even if I’d tried.”
I smile at the sweetness of his statement, despite the bitterness that seems to cling to the air around us. He returns the smile and for a moment we just site there in this tiny little almost perfect moment.
Then I avert my gaze and stare at the floor instead, mulling over Alec’s words. There’s still the factor about it not just being my secret, but somehow I don’t care about that anymore. It’s my secret as much as anybody else’s now, no matter how long or short I’ve been involved in it. They can hardly expect me to keep it a secret from my boyfriend, especially since he’s anything but normal himself and kind of knows that something very strange is going on with me.
When I look back up at Alec, the decision seems ridiculously easy all of a sudden.
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